lady lotus

My older sister said I was crazy;
My Uma (mother)told me it was natural,
my Apa (dad)called us superstitious.
But I still couldn't turn away, blink twice
to make it go away when I saw a crow on
our front porch, hanging around the hanging
lilacs and silver mermaid wind-chimes.

I know you were here, star-flower,
wishing well wish..
oh yes, if you can
take me there with you.
But I know you won't.
You whispered in my raven
dreaming mind that
you believed I had
too much potential
to just give it away
to unholy pearl-polished angels
in the hanuel (heaven).

Yet somehow I wonder
if you just said that to
keep me from sobbing
in the indigo tent that
enshounded my frail body,
struggling against palm
leaf sweet-and-salty sleep;
a night of cherry blossoms
and green tea ice cream.

I don't think you ever knew
that I was in love with
the girl from Manzhouli;
a land of spinning colors,
dancers with wildflowers
in their long blackbird hair.
Oh Lien, I met you at one of those
festive dance halls, celebrating
the reunion of families and friends.
There were little girls in white skirts
and little boys wearing dragon masks.
I was standing next to my sister, Cam,
who though it so boring.
“I want to smoke a cigarette with
my high school crush over there
by the paper lanterns, do you mind?”
“No..” I shook my head.
She was the rebel, not I;
or so I thought, until I laid eyes
on you near the butterfly kites.

Lien, you were so exquisite;
you almost weren't real,
the phantom reincarnated in
a Nguyen dynasty princess.
I wanted to dance beside you
when the teacher called for commoners.
I wanted to be  near you; our
long sleeves almost brushing,
just so I could soak up some
of your grace, pretty only by association.
And yet, for some reason,
you said I was talented, even though
the dance instructor kept
giving me stern looks
with her beady insect eyes.
“You're too clumsy, child!,”
Madam Song said.
“You're moving as though
you're stepping on glass.”
But Lien, even though
we were ten years old at the time,
I remember you said,
“She's not clumsy; she's just not
as confident and fast.
That doesn't mean
she can't improve
and don't you know
that humiliating a student
in front of the entire class
isn't helping her at all?
Haven't you noticed, Madam Song?”

Oh it was amazing how that woman
shut up so fast after that!
She never looked me again with
impatient seaweed black eyes;
she just repeated the lessons
slowly over and over until
I could leap as high as you
in satin slippers; until I could
roll my shoulders back and
tilt my neck, seducing stars with
an easy, relaxed grin on my face.

I wanted to be like you;
enchanting the village boys,
the fishermen, the sheep-herders,
lychee brewers.
But then I realized that
it was just envy I felt,
it wasn't real..

I wanted you to be my lady
in an exotic bird kimono;
the sleeves wide, painted
light green, the sash ocean blue.
I wanted to sleep beside you
every night since I was twelve
and afraid of winter storms,
hail falling over my parents'
weak thatched roof.
“Can I tell you a secret?”
you asked once and
my throat closed up,
my imperial-wishing heart
tried to slow down
its frantic beating,
pretending that it wasn't nervous.
“It might sound stupid, but
I'm still terrified of the adhene.”

It's a crow-headed half-human
shaped like a bruised child.
In our grandparents' folktales,
these tiny fairies worked by the sea
and also herded sheep in the mountains;
they helped the harvest, but was also
thought of being wicked at times.
When they were hunted down by humans;
called demons, the females especially, would
poison newborn lungs; teaching the mothers
lessons from their mistakes; rejection, abuse,
the hard way.
Oh but I don't blame them; I admired
their bravery,
how they dashed into the apricot forests
amid a violet rain of arrows, aimed by
village priests, warriors, aimed at their
little ruby hearts and fear-frozen eyes.

But Lien, I'm scared too..
I'm scared that you won't
want to be my companion,
my friend anymore if you knew
the darkest side of my half-moon mind.
But if something evil were done
to you and to me; my dear lotus,
I'd make them pay, I'd make them pay,
I swear; with their lives, with
their sake blood, pedophile comics.
I'll rip up their dirty porn from
the 200 years; from the time of
concubines and senior emperors.
I'll smash a star-lit lantern over
their thatched homes, collapsing rooftops.
I want to be an adhene for you;
even if it's wrong, even if you
hate me afterwards.
But please remember the last
song we danced to.
Lien, my lotus lady,
I'd be anything for you.